♪ He's a Human Tornado
♪ Mules has kicked me and didn't bruise my hide
♪ rattlesnakes has bit me
♪ they just rolled off and died
♪ I handcuffed a lion and it was a raging feat
♪ I don't want no dilapidated
♪ sea-slapping pigeon-throated
♪ cross-eyed bow-legged son of a gun
♪ messing with me
♪ I've been known to rise up
♪ but I'll cool down later
♪ I'm a bad motor scooter
♪ I'm the Human Tornado
♪ The Human Tornado
♪ He's a Human Tornado
- Ladies and gentlemen, here he is.
The star Dolemite.
- Yes, I have been rough.
And you know I'm also tough.
I'm bad and sometimes I get very mad.
I've been known to be mean,
but right now y'all can look and see
that I'm damn sure clean.
Now I see a lot of lovely people in this house tonight.
Look at this big fat man.
My my my my girls look what y'all could get
if you was lucky.
Well I say one thing, he can lay heavy
but he'll never go deep.
I bet he tells the average girl
you may not know I'm in there,
but you're damn sure know I'm on there.
I see this big fat lady with him.
My my my my my, young lady you've got
the same damn thing them lil skinny girls got.
But a damn sight more of it.
Is that your husband?
Ain't that a damn shame?
You need a little skinny man, baby.
You and that man get in the bed together
and try to do y'all thing would be a mission impossible.
I'm gonna tell you like the bathtub told the toilet stool
I get as much ass as you,
but I don't have to take all that shit.
Young lady went out with her boyfriend the other night,
and he got into bed with her and pulled out
something like my little finger.
She looked at it and said,
well you no-screwing, pencil-dick,
Pistol-Peter son of a gun.
Says I tell you what I will do for you.
Since you can't do nothing for me
with a joint that small,
said I'll give you $50 if you can hurt me.
He screwed her three times and hit her
in the head with a rock.
There's some ugly mother fuckers in this house tonight.
If you don't believe it, look over here.
Baby
you are so ugly you stopped this motion picture from runnin.
Yo lips like you wearing a turtleneck sweater.
I had a brother look just like you,
he stuck his head out the window
and his lips beat him to death.
My my my, that's what I call stretching
a good thing a bit too far.
Two soldiers went to Vietnam,
a black soldier and a white soldier, can you dig it?
And they come all the way back home,
and the people in Louisiana said we gonna
give y'all anything that y'all want.
They looked at the white soldier and said,
young man, what do you want?
He said, well I'll tell you all what I want.
I want me $10,000 and a Lincoln Continental to drive.
They said, we gonna get that for you.
Then they looked at the brother, they said brother,
what would you like?
The brother said, well
y'all can give me a dollar and a half
from the head of my ding-a-ling down to my balls.
They said brother, brother,
don't you want no more than that?
He said, no that's all I want.
So he pulled it out and they put a dollar
and a half at the head of it.
Then they put another dollar and a half on it,
and another dollar and a half,
another dollar and a half,
and another dollar and a half.
And one of those fellas looked at him and said,
nigga, where is your balls at?
He said in Vietnam.
Young lady took her boyfriend out with her the other night.
You know?
She got into bed with him,
and baby he did his thang before he could get on top of her.
And he looked at her and said,
go in the kitchen and fix me some food.
She went in the kitchen and brought him
a head of lettuce and a bowl of carrots.
He looked at her and said,
why in the world did you bring me these
carrots and lettuce out here?
She looked at him, said, mother fucker
you fuck like a rabbit, you might as well
eat like one.
- Dolemite you might come like a rabbit yourself.
- Now this is what I call a nigga
that always wanna get in the show.
This is the kinda nigga that'll fart in a bathtub
and turn around and bite the bubble.
Ladies and gentlemen tonight has been a pleasure.
Thank you for letting us be ourselves.
I ain't lying!
- Dolemite ladies and gentlemen!
- You really came at a bad time.
I'm very very busy.
Relax, take off your thangs, and I'll see you later.
- I've invited you all here to inform you
that the money drive that was planned
six months ago by our planning committee,
to purchase a new boys home,
has been called abruptly closed.
But along with the bad news,
there's always good news.
I'm going to allow the man
that's caused all of this to happen.
Your friend and mine, brother Dolemite.
- Thank you.
I'm so glad you could come.
As you know I've been having a lot of hard knocks.
And a lot of trials and tribulations.
And I've had a lot of success.
And I think it's a shame for anyone successful
not to share it with others.
So today I'm doing something that I wanted
to do for a long time.
I'm giving my home and its entirety
to the gentleman that started the drive for the boys home.
Let us now talk to some of our distinguished guests.
Alright let's get this shit over,
I ain't got all day.
- Dolemite.
You're worth every damn cent I pay you.
- Jethro, stop the car.
- What is it now, Ma?
- Look yonder, something's going on up there
in that big house.
- You're right something is going on up there.
Them people up there's having a party.
- Goddamn Jethro them ain't no people.
Them's niggers.
- Well by god you're right mom them's is niggers.
Well they gotta be niggers
because it ain't Halloween is it?
- Come on Jethro, step on it.
- Well where we gonna go?
- We'll go and find a sheriff.
We gotta tell em, he gotta know about this.
- You're right.
- Oh.
- Alright, alright I owe you 30 minutes.
- Wake up Sheriff, it's an emergency!
- Put your hands up!
- Don't shoot Sheriff.
It's me, Charlie.
- What in the hell's the matter with you Charlie?
- Well I'm sorry Sheriff, but there's been trouble brewing.
- Trouble?
You gotta be wrong Charlie.
We don't allow none of that around here.
- Yeah, well the one's who's causing the trouble
must not know that.
They's niggers.
- Niggers?
Where?
- You know that big house
that sets up on the hill?
- That fancy nigger's house?
- Yeah.
Well there's a bunch more niggers up there.
- You fooling me boy?
- Nah, I just talked to Jethro Goodlowe.
Said there's a whole bunch of them up there
just carrying on something awful.
- That does it Charlie.
That does it!
You round up some of the men.
Ain't gonna be no niggers left up on that hill
when we get through with them!
- This mother fucker had a heart attack.
- Ah man, come on Bo.
- Hey hold up everybody.
Looks like trouble coming.
That's the Sheriff's car.
- Ah man I wonder what the fuck he wants.
- I don't know but
he sure is in a hurry.
- Alright you men.
When we get up there,
I want you men to spin around that house
like horse shit!
Shoot to kill if you have to.
Now come on, let's go.
- Man we better go warn everybody.
Alright everybody listen!
Now the sheriff is coming he's got a lot of men with him.
- Everybody keep calm!
- Back in the hole!
Over here!
- Move, move, move.
Go, go, go.
- Alright, all you niggers put your hands
on top of your nappy heads.
Who's in charge here boy?
- Sheriff what are you doing?
Now you know we ain't done nothing.
- I'll ask the questions,
you just listen boy.
- Look Sheriff, ain't no boys around here.
Just men, you dig?
- Just say the word Sheriff.
- Well.
Maybe this cute little black thing over here
can tell me who's the
head nigger is around here.
How about it, uh,
honey child?
I've always wanted one,
a little piece of nigger tail.
Ah!
- You lousy son of a bitch!
- Miss Benton?
- Charlie?
- He made me do it!
- Bitch, are you for real?
- You ain't no wife of mine.
Kill em Charlie.
I said kill em Charlie!
- No Charlie!
- So y'all don't believe I jumped, huh?
So watch this good shit!
- Fine bunch of friends are you,
you niggas take off and leave me on top of that hill!
- Oh Dolemite, we was gonna wait.
- Like a snowball in hell.
That mother fucker caught me in the bed
with his wife, now he wanna try to take my life.
Bo step on it, and step on it quick.
Burn some rubber cause we gonna
deal with that prick.
Drive nigga! Drive! Drive nigga! Drive!
Nigga drive, drive!
You ain't driving, put your foot in the tank.
Drive!
Drive nigga! Drive!
Bo.
We can't shake this gravy sopping mother fucker,
so turn up in that cave.
I got a plan to make this son of a gun
dig his own grave.
Bo, back the car up that hill,
and as soon as I say let it go
let the mother fucker go!
Let the mother fucker go!
I'll stop this long-haired sea-sapping
dilapidated Sheriff now!
Cause he just wanna follow me anyhow.
He think he's bad and he ain't got no class,
I'm gonna rap this shotgun
up his mother fucking ass!
Why you niggas is running,
we got a lot of running to do cause we going to California.
- Hey Bo.
Come on man, we going to California.
- Watch out for snakes up there.
By the way Jimmy,
if a snake was to bite me on my leg
what would you do?
- I'd suck out the poison Dolemite.
- Well Bo?
If a snake was to bite me on my ass, what would you do?
- Dolemite, I guess you'd be a dead mother fucker.
- I am tired.
We got to do something,
I got to have me some shoes or a ride or something.
- Hell Dolemite, how in the hell
do we get a ride, man?
- Hitchhike that's all, we can hitchhike.
- You know damn well there ain't none
of these honkys gonna pick up
four niggas out here in the highway by themselves.
You know better than that shit.
- I'm gonna get a ride, I can get us a ride.
- And how the hell you gonna get us a ride man?
- If you can get us a ride...
The first car that comes by, you stop it,
and we gonna take the mother fucker,
can you dig it?
Let's go over the hill and hide fellas.
- You want a ride honey?
- Yeah, uh, my car broke down up the road and uh...
- Well I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll give you a ride for a ride.
Huh?
Well what are you doing?
- Move over motherfucker.
And don't say a fucking word.
- By the way, where we going?
- We are taking your car and you
to sunny California, can you dig it?
- California?
- You heard it, sweet tea.
- My my, I'd never thought anybody kidnap me.
Plus take me to California.
This must be my lucky day.
Dreams do come true!
- Boy oh boy, good shoes for my feet.
Now I can go and get me something sweet to eat.
Dough.
Why don't you watch the fuel, man?
Pull over at the next station and gas up.
There's one right over there.
- Sir, I've gotta use the bathroom.
- Alright, I'm gonna let you use it,
but you had best not try any shit.
- I'm glad you stopping at this station man
cause I got to pee.
- Me too.
- Get out!
Ah!
This is for ladies. This is for ladies!
- What do you think this is for?
- This is for ladies, get out!
- Yes Queen Bee that's how it was.
I had to off me a motherfucker.
So me and the boys is on the run to California,
can you dig it?
- So you had to do whatever, huh?
That's how it goes sometimes.
Well Dolemite this is me,
and you know you're welcome to come here
anytime you want to.
You know what?
You couldn't have come at a better time
cause the club is jumping, we're doing great.
By the way, Hurricane Annie been worrying
the hell out of me about you.
The way you blew Annie's mind,
baby you must be a human tornado.
- Okay Queen Bee.
Don't tell her I'm coming.
When I get there I'm gonna make her
think I'm a human tornado.
I'll see you in a few days baby.
- Good evening everybody and welcome to Queen Bee's.
Ladies and gentlemen my name is Jimmy Lynch
and I am your local manager,
bartender, and MC.
Ladies and gentlemen with a great big round of applause.
Introducing the star I'm presenting to others
Xavier Chapman and his company.
♪ Angels of the world
♪ Walking round on Earth
♪ I traveled this world
♪ I traveled all around
♪ Everywhere I go yeah
♪ angels can be found
♪ But you're my little angel
♪ I know what you are worth
♪ Angels of the world
♪ walking round on Earth
- Hello?
- Hello Joe, this is Vince.
- Oh Vince, how are you?
Hey how's Florida, huh?
- Oh, Florida's fine, but I'm not so well.
Uh, I don't like your receipts kid.
What are you running down there,
a funeral parlor?
- Now look, look boss.
Look you see, if this damn broad down the street,
you know Queen Bee boss.
She's competition this Queen Bee.
- It's Queen Bee, Queen Bee,
you've been telling me about Queen Bee for months now Joe.
Uh, Joe, you're into this organization
for a lot of money,
and now they are after me.
- Hey Vince, Vince, listen to me will ya?
I swear it's all gonna be taken care of.
Just gimme a little more time.
- Boss has something he wants to say.
- Now look boys, we ain't doing so good.
And my people are mad at me.
Now with Queen Bee's club taking in all the business,
my place is coming up like a funeral parlor.
And my backers in Florida ain't so happy about it.
They're pressuring me.
And this kinda pressure I don't need.
Now something's gotta be done about it, right?
Okay, now Carl here is gonna act as my enforcer.
Now I want Queen Bee's place shut down.
- Jimmy baby.
- Yeah, Queen?
- Oh, we!
Two more nights like this,
and maybe we can make up for them
two lousy weekends we had.
You know why?
- Why's that Ma, what is it?
- Java's really packing them in.
I should have had her here a long time ago.
- Right on baby.
And you know I haven't seen this many niggas
in here since Dolemite was here.
And my catch action tonight was heavy.
If I was you I'd hold on for a couple weeks.
- I heard that.
- Yes sir!
- Thank God we don't have to see this place until tomorrow.
Girl my feet are hurting.
I feel like I wanna scream.
- Right on Java.
- Oh, fix me a drink baby.
How did we do tonight, Queenie?
- Not bad baby.
In fact you can look for a bonus with your check.
You deserve it.
- That's what I like to hear.
- Here baby.
And as good as you looked and the way
you worked out there tonight?
You can go anywhere you want with me.
- Now what about your lady over here?
- Oh excuse me, I made a mistake.
- That's okay, lemme give you a hand okay?
- Alright.
- What kinda shit is this?
- Everybody freeze!
- You the hard-hitting lady owner?
Well maybe this'll teach you.
The boss wants you to learn.
- Queen!
Oh my God.
- Come on let's get outta here.
Come on.
- Let's go!
- Hello.
- Yeah boss, we got him.
We didn't get that Jackson creep,
but we got two of the girls.
- Good.
Nice work Carl.
- Hello?
- This is Cavaletti.
I've got two of your girls.
Now I want you to close that joint of yours down
and be over here tomorrow night.
Cause if you don't, you'll never seem em again.
- Hello? Hello?
Motherfucker hung up.
- What the fuck is this?
- What have we here?
You've come to see Momma.
- This place gives me the creeps.
- Yeah, me too.
I wonder why the boss picked this place to come here.
- He likes the old lady.
Besides, he gets his nuts
watching her torture pretty broads.
- My little pretty.
Oh you like that.
My boy says hey.
- I hope these girls in California
are as good as this apple.
Boys.
This is Los Angeles, California.
- California, oh this is where the stars are.
- I said boys.
Dough gimme a little money.
Here's 97 dollars.
Thanks for the use of your car,
and the trouble we caused you.
- I'll take your money, but you didn't cause me any trouble.
I've always wanted to come to California.
By the looks of the things out here,
someone's gonna have to kidnap me to take me back.
- Dough, call us a cab.
- Hey taxi!
- Damn, what the hell happened here?
- Yeah, the club should be open, shouldn't it?
- Whatever happened,
somebody better have a damn good excuse for it.
Let's make it out to Queen Bee's house.
- Hey, hey, where you going?
Ain't nobody home.
- Well where's everybody at?
- Don't know, I ain't seen nobody all day.
- Fellas let's go into town
and check out some of the clubs.
I'm sure someone there can tell us something.
Let's make it.
- I thought by now we could have done found.
Hurricane Annie.
Shit!
- Good evening ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Fletcher Weatherspoon.
I am your MC for the evening.
Club Sahara proudly presents for your listening pleasure,
all the way from South America,
the very beautiful and talented Jeanie Lavell.
Give it to her ladies and gentlemen.
- Good evening gentlemen.
Welcome to Sahara Club.
May I help you sir?
- Yes brotherman you can help us.
I'm looking for some information.
- Oh?
Ha, with that kinda money brother
you can get all the information you want.
- I'm looking for a young lady used to work here
by the name of Hurricane Annie.
- Oh yes, Hurricane.
The gentleman right over there in the beige suit
will be able to help you sir.
- Good evening brother man, I'm Dolemite.
- Ah Dolemite, hey I heard a lot about you.
How you doing?
- Very good.
I'm looking for a young lady by the name
of Hurricane Annie.
And I hear that you may be able
to give me some information on her.
- Oh yeah, Hurricane?
That's one of my pride dancers.
She's working over at the Bonanza Club on 73rd.
- How about that?
Come on everybody, Hurricane Annie.
Let's give her a great big hand.
Come on and make her happy everybody, Hurricane...
- Don't put your hat on in here.
- You must think I'm stupid man.
- Can I serve you sir?
- I am looking for Hurricane Annie.
- Hurricane Annie has just finished her act.
And she's gone to change her clothes.
If you'll come in and be seated,
I'll have her come over to the table.
Follow me please.
- Let's have a great big hand for Miss Patti Williams!
♪ Midnight in my bedroom
♪ and my love has done come down
♪ I feel so romantic but
♪ my man is nowhere around
♪ I got the bedroom blues
- Dolemite!
I don't believe it.
On, baby.
- How you been Annie?
- Why you leave town without telling me
where you were going?
- Listen Annie, I want you to meet three of my friends.
This is Dough, Bo, and Jimmy.
- What's happening.
- Meet the Hurricane Annie.
- Well
how long you gonna be in town?
- Annie, Queen Bee told me to come at once.
I went by the club and it's closed.
- Queen's place closed?
Well that's news to me.
Did you try her house?
- Yes, and nothing.
- That's strange.
I got a hunch.
This is Cavaletti's place.
Getting rich on niggas and dumb honky.
And I bet you 10-to-1 Queen and her girls is in there.
- You think they in there?
Well let's go baby.
♪ I'll make love to you
♪ Make love to you
♪ Do it
♪ I wanna do it to you baby
- Well good evening and welcome to Cavaletti's 20 Grand.
♪ I wanna do it to you
♪ Do it do it
- Waitress would you please give this to
the piano player?
♪ I wanna do it
♪ I wanna do it now
♪ Do it
♪ I wanna do it to ya
♪ Can I do it
- Alright, how about that, the Ben Taylor Trio!
Alright.
Too much.
The Ben Taylor Trio.
- Annie.
It's you baby, it's you.
- Ben, what it is?
- Where you been I ain't seen you lately?
- Oh I've been here and there, you know?
Ben I want you to meet a good friend of mine,
Dolemite, Ben.
The best singer the world has ever known.
- Ben, the pleasure is mine.
- Dolemite.
You know I've heard quite a bit about you man.
Quite a bit.
- I hope the things that you've heard
have been good things brother.
- Nothing but.
- Ben, we're looking for Queen.
We understand she's in a jam.
You know where she is?
- You know this job doesn't pay me to talk.
It pays me to sing.
Annie you know that.
- Give it to me.
♪ Oh
♪ Do you mean
♪ Have I seen the Queen
- Keep your eyes open she's floating around here somewhere.
I gotta go, I got a show to do.
- Okay, Ben.
- Yeah, that's it.
- There goes Queen now.
Come on let's go talk to her.
- Hi.
- Queen what's happening?
What in the world are you doing in a joint like this?
- Honey shit done got heavy.
Cavaletti sent some of his apes down.
Beat me like a dog.
And kidnapped TC and Java.
- Kidnapped em, what you mean?
- Kidnap em, and forced us to come and work for him.
And said that if I didn't come and work for him,
he'd kill em.
- Cavaletti must be nuts to think
he can get away with some shit like that.
Who the hell does he think he is?
- That's what I wanna know.
He must think he is
the new Godfather or some kinda shit.
- He's pissed cause I was making more money than he was.
Here he come now, look.
- Your ice is melting Queenie.
What's with the chatter?
- They were just some friends of mine,
and they was looking for somebody.
- Friends, huh?
Now look sweetie.
Since you work for us, you can't have any friends.
Now get back to work.
Well folks, I want you to know
the next act is about to start.
I want you to catch it.
You'll love it.
- I'd take care of you now sweetheart,
but I have other things to do.
But don't worry I'll be back later.
Yeah.
- Java, what are we gonna do?
- I don't know girl.
But whatever it is,
it's gotta be quick.
This is sick.
- Dolemite, I've been waiting for you so long.
- Baby, good things come to those who wait.
- I see you didn't keep your promise.
Just look at you.
- But baby I've been busy.
- Not too busy to eat I see.
I want to make yourself real comfortable.
Cause I got something I want you to do.
♪ You're soft as the sea
♪ Filled with satin
♪ Roll back as a swing
♪ turtledove
♪ Sweet as the breeze
♪ singing through the trees
♪ Miss Wonderful it's you
♪ that I love
♪ I never felt a love like this
♪ in all of my life
♪ Oh oh Miss Wonderful
♪ I want you for my wife
- Damn baby, I got some shit
we can do better than this.
♪ Beautiful as the waves
♪ of the town chapel bells
♪ Miss Wonderful it's you
♪ that I love
♪ I never felt a love like yours
♪ In all of my life
♪ Miss Wonderful
♪ it would be so nice
♪ to have you for my wife
♪ So bright
♪ as the April spring morning
♪ and true
♪ as the new moon above
♪ You're sweet as the breeze
♪ singing through the trees
♪ Miss Wonderful
♪ it's you that I love
♪ You're bright
♪ as the April spring morning
♪ And true
♪ as the new moon above
♪ You're sweet as the breeze
♪ singing through the trees
♪ Miss Wonderful
♪ it's you that I love
♪ Miss Wonderful
♪ it's you that I love
♪ Miss Wonderful
♪ it's you that I love
- We checked your mugshot against our file, Sheriff.
We don't have a thing on him.
- I could tell he's
in these parts.
I'm gonna find that nigger
if it's the last thing I do.
- Well good luck to you.
We'll do everything we can to help you.
- I appreciate that
very much.
- Oh by the way Sheriff.
What do you want him for?
- He murdered my wife.
- I'm sorry.
I'll put my best man on it.
- Detective Pete Blakeley here.
- Blakeley, it's Ryan.
I've got a special assignment for you.
- I've got one too captain,
it's just about to slip through my hands.
Now look, my vacation just started two hours ago.
- I know Pete.
And I am sorry,
but this is serious.
Maybe a promotion.
- How serious?
- It's a 187.
- Have you got an ID captain?
- Yes.
Male negro
200 pounds, six foot,
may be a scar on his left shoulder.
We do have a mugshot.
- Oh that's just great.
But do you have a name or an ID?
- Yes, he goes by the name of
Dolemite.
- It looks like nobody can help him-.
They just wished he was new
and wish he was a girl.
- Well, I think I know what we got to do.
Queen Bee we got to get TC and Alice away from Cavaletti.
- Well this is a big city.
Where do we start?
- That's easy.
We find Cavaletti and
make him tell us where they are.
- Oh no, it's not that easy.
Everywhere that Joe goes
he has his army with him.
- Oh baby, armies can come large or small
but we're known for kicking ass
and we can handle em all.
- Hello?
- Queen, stop what you're doing this minute.
Cavaletti wants you and your bitches
over here within the hour.
- Oh just a second please.
This is from Joe.
Pick up on the other phone.
Would you tell Joe
that all the girls are on their monthly.
And they will not be able
to be over there tonight.
- Now you listen to me Queen.
- What's the matter now?
- She ain't coming.
- What do you mean she's not coming?
Gimme that phone.
Queen Bee, you better get your ass over here
and I mean on the double.
- Under one condition.
That you turn my girls loose.
- Look Bee, you're in no position to bargain with me.
Now you get your hot ass over here,
or I'll massacre those black bitches.
I'll give you just one hour.
- Why you rat-soup eating motherfucker!
- I guess you heard all of that.
- That's all I needed to know.
That the girls are still alive.
Now I can work with that cranny-dodging motherfucker.
So here's what we do.
- Brother QB what's happening?
- I wanna talk to you man.
- Oh I don't have time fellas, I got a lot to do.
I'll talk to you later.
- Later on will be too late man,
we need to rap right now.
- That's right brother man, right now.
- Oh some heavy shit, huh?
- Dig it.
- Okay, sock it to me.
Cavaletti's men blew away my brother this morning.
- Oh no, you mean Jeff is dead?
- That's why we come to you man.
We need your help.
- Okay I'll tell you what we'll get together
this afternoon and see what we can map out, alright?
- Say look here, I got information
on a house in Pasadena man,
where the motherfuckers torture people.
- A torture chamber?
Goddamn I haven't heard of no shit like that in years.
Listen, did you get any information on
the guys that laid your brother away?
- Yeah.
The motherfuckers was black.
- Yeah, brothers.
- Mannix, what's new on the Sheriff case?
- Well I gotta see some mugshots Chief.
- It's in the Dolemite file,
you've got everything we have.
- The Sheriff's case is nothing compared
to what I've come up with.
Another 187.
This time the finger points to.
Mr. Cavaletti.
- Cavaletti? - That's right.
- Do you have grounds?
- Well sir we share some brotherly information.
- Good.
Gimme the information and I'll assign
somebody else to the case.
I don't want you biting off more than you can chew.
You concentrate on the Sheriff case.
Get Dolemite.
- You mean you're assigning me to help
some hokey Sheriff solve a murder case
which we know nothing about?
And for two years, I've tried to nail Joe Cavaletti.
And finally I get this asshole by his balls,
and you wanna assign somebody else to the case?
- Now dammit Pete.
You will do as you're told.
- Good.
I remember the other day I was told my vacation
started today, and I'm taking it.
- Son of a bitch.
- What brings you this way my friend?
- I've got news for ya.
- How you know I'm looking for needles?
- I heard through the grapevine that you
were trying to get Queen's girls
back from Cavaletti, right?
- So?
- I got some real strong info from some friends of mine.
- So let's have it.
- Info like that don't grow on trees.
It costs money you know.
I got a sick aunt.
- Hold it.
Information first.
- Well Cavaletti's got this house in Pasadena.
It's a real chamber of horrors.
Like he really fucks people up over there man.
- Where's it at?
- I haven't found that out yet.
- Well how do you find out?
- If somebody was to get Cavaletti's main woman,
then they might find out where the house is.
- Where does Cavaletti keep his main woman?
- Well
Cavaletti usually keeps her at his pad.
She's a nice bitch.
I heard that she's a common freak, you know?
A real nymphomaniac.
- Where's Cavaletti's house?
- In Pasadena baby.
- May I help you?
- Yes, is this the Cavaletti's residence?
- Yes, it is.
What can I do for you?
- My card first, Madame.
- Frank Huck Delmonico NcAdeemus?
- Yes.
Are you Mrs. Cavaletti?
- Yes, I am.
- Mrs. Cavaletti
I am a connoisseur of the rarest
most interesting nude studies.
- I am not interested.
If you'll just...
- Ms-Cavaletti, if you would wait just a moment
and gaze upon this exquisite artwork,
I'm sure you'll be interested.
Madame.
I see you like my work.
Miss?
Miss Cavaletti?
Mrs. Cavaletti?
You do like my work?
I've got something better for you.
You'll like it.
Big black strong man.
Ah. Ah.
You'll enjoy it.
Miss Cavaletti, Miss Cavaletti?
- Where is Cavaletti hiding my girls?
Where, where is Cavaletti hiding the girls!
Where is Cavaletti hiding my girls?
- They're at the house on the hill
in Pasadena.
They're at the house on the hill
in Pasadena.
They're at house on the hill
in Pasadena!
They're at the house
on the hill in Pasadena.
- Have a seat.
- No thanks.
- Some coffee?
- No thanks, I've had my breakfast.
I just came here to find out
what you got on that Dolemite boy.
It's been a while since I've heard from you.
I wanna know what's happening.
- Well when we get something,
I'll let you know.
I've got my best man on the case.
- He ain't made no contact with me yet.
- Well this particular man works better by himself.
He's my undercover man for the ghettos.
- You mean to tell me you sent
a nigger out to find another nigger?
Why that's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard of.
- Sheriff.
We don't have any niggers here.
Just damn fine police officers.
Some of the best in the country.
Now if you can't respect that,
and if you can't accept my choice of assignment,
you can get your ass out that door.
And if you don't like that you can go to the Chief.
- I'll do just that Captain.
And when I find him, I'll bring his head to you.
Since you love niggers so much.
You can mount Dolemite's head on your mantlepiece.
Good day, Captain.
- Fuck you.
- Sweetheart.
Call Queen.
Tell her to bring everybody that works for her
to my party tonight.
Tell them to be ready at eight.
I'll have them picked up.
- Hello?
- Joe wants you to scrounge up all the girls you can
and bring em over here tonight.
We'll send someone after you.
- Yes ma'am, we'll be there.
- Well.
Looks like we've all been invited to the party.
But this time
this will be the party to end all parties.
Okay.
We know that Cavaletti has an army compared to us.
We're outnumbered in people
but not in skill.
Just remember
if anybody come out alive
be sure it be one of us.
Now how did you say this worked?
- Well tonight
is Cavaletti's birthday party.
You'll have all his big shit friends there.
- So if we get em all at one time,
it's got to be tonight.
- Has anybody heard from Dolemite?
- Howard Jackson!
- Is that the bad little nigga that taught me martial arts?
- In person.
- Lord things is looking better.
- Looking better?
With that little shit?
Well I'll take my dick and beat his goddamn ass with that.
- We'll see about that brother.
- Did you hear about the new contract?
- No, what is it?
- It's Queen Bee, Annie, and Dolemite.
- Who's doing the job?
- Red and Fingers.
- Well that's Wild.
With those three out of the way,
the boss will have no problems.
- Right.
- Okay, we'll be right out.
Alright girls.
Let's get this show on the road.
- We'll see you there.
- We'll wait till the party starts
then we'll crash it.
- You should have stayed down there the first time!
- I didn't forget about you.
We'll make it a twosome.
Now don't move
or bye bye.
- No, no.
Please don't kill us.
Please don't kill us, please!
Please no!
- The candle over here!
The candle, the rope, for God's sake!
Pull me out of the way Dolemite.
Hurry!
- Are you alright Java?
- Oh yeah, thanks to you Dolemite.
- Don't touch me there's a live grenade between my legs.
- Be very careful don't move, don't move.
- He keeps the key over in his back pocket.
- Java, are you alright?
Mules have kicked me and didn't even bruise my hide.
Rattlesnakes have bit me and falled off and died.
Yes, I fought my way in here cause I'm rough and ready,
so girls let's go and get that
motherfucking Cavaletti.
Hurry.
- Hurry Dolemite.
Let me at em.
- Hello, Captain.
Yeah, it's Pete here.
Yeah, I know about that.
Listen, hold onto your hat
and get a pencil and pad to take this down.
I got some news here to make you blow your mind.
Yeah.
Look, not only do I get Cavaletti,
but the Sheriff gets his man too.
That's right, Dolemite is over at Cavaletti's right now.
There's a war going on between em.
Guess who else is over there?
Red and Fingers, our two pals from the East
the hitmen.
Remember them?
Right.
What's the address monkey?
- $25, baby.
- I got enough shit on you to send you down
for 20 years, now gimme the address.
- Woodland Hills in Pasadena.
- Hey Joe?
Joe?
- Well it's about time you got here.
Come on put your things in there,
and come join the party.
- Say white boy, come out here in the light
cause tonight is the night.
Come out here and you can see
some genuine American Indian turquoise jewelry.
I got to sell this shit and sell it quick,
I got to get outta town.
Wait a minute white boy fool, wait a minute.
I'm selling this shit cheap.
I'm gonna let you take the shit off your old lady.
She might give you some pussy tonight,
if you know what to do with it.
Wait a minute fool, we'll take this then.
- Hey everybody.
Got a special surprise for you.
Cavaletti just hired a new man, and he's one of the boys.
And for this evening's entertainment,
he's going to demonstrate to us
how he became Central America's champ at nunchuck sticks.
- Catering service here sir.
Where do you want this stuff?
Looks like you're having a real nice party.
- Sure am.
Put the stuff in the kitchen.
Too bad you wasn't invited boy.
- Yeah it is.
- Say baby, let's you and me go take a swim.
- I don't have a suit on sugar.
- Suit? It's a private pool.
- In that case, what are we waiting for?
- Say the young lady that was with the guy with the glasses
is she a friend of yours?
- Oh yes, she's one of my girls.
- Hey there Momma, what it is?
- Queen.
- You got Red.
I can't believe it.
Now I have to kill both of ya's myself.
Alright ladies this way.
Come on, move!
That's far enough.
Turn around!
- Wait a minute little shit, you about to hit me.
- Look out!
- You a bad motherfucker this I can see.
But it's now time for you to bring yo ass to me.
- Look out!
- Y'all take care of Jimmy.
I'm gonna get that motherfucking Cavaletti
if it is the last thing I do.
- Jimmy...
Jimmy.
- Pack your things, we're getting out of here fast.
- What's the matter honey?
- Don't ask questions dammit,
just get dressed.
- Can you hear me?
It's your brother Bo.
Talk to me man.
Jimmy...
Don't die on me man.
Come on, now get your shit together.
Come on now.
- Bo.
- He's just playing.
He's just playing.
Come on stop acting man, get up.
- Bo!
- My brother man.
My brother.
- He's gone man.
- Come on.
- He's gone.
- Come on let's go.
- Going somewhere Cavaletti, baby?
- Get outta here.
- Let me go!
- Hold it everyone!
- Police!
- Freeze everybody, freeze!
- Nobody move.
Come here.
Where's Cavaletti?
Where is he?
- Hold it, out, out.
Out!
- I got money.
A lot of money.
Here.. Here in this bag.
You can take it, take all you want.
Only let me get the fuck outta here.
Please.
- Beg little puppy you like a big dog.
Give you a little bit, and I'd be damned
if you don't want it all.
I'll take that money and I'll use it well
cause you got a one way ticket straight to hell.
Now get in the car and move.
- No, don't do it!
Don't do it goddammit!
- What is it Pete?
- It's Cavaletti, and he's about to get his nuts blown off,
and by your boy Sheriff.
- Cover em.
- Oh goodie, son
you've brought old momma a customer.
- You got that right you decrepit old witch.
But this time it's him.
Now move!
What goes around comes around.
Now it's yo turn to die you no business barred
insecure rat soup eating motherfucker.
And if you don't die you're gonna wish
to hell you hada.
- Son of a bitch.
- Where is Dolemite?
Where is Dolemite?
Where is that son of a bitch named Dolemite?
Where is he?
- Sheriff, leave him alone!
- Son of a bitch!
Your career is over stud.
- This motherfucker think I'm dead,
but he don't know I am the Human Tornado.
♪ He's a Human Tornado
♪ Mules has kicked me and didn't bruise my hide
♪ Rattlesnakes has bit me
♪ they just crawled off and died
♪ I handcuffed a lion and it was a raging feat
♪ So I don't want no dilapidated sea-slapping
♪ pigeon-toed cross-eyed bow-legged son of a gun
♪ from messing with me
♪ I been known to rise up
♪ but I'll cool down later
♪ I'm the bad motor scooter
♪ I'm the Human Tornado
♪ He's a Human Tornado
♪ I picked up the rock
♪ and killed the giant Goliath
♪ And worked on nero
♪ cause said Rome on fire
♪ I whooped lions
♪ elephants velociraptors and geese
♪ I don't want no dilapidated sea-slapping
♪ pigeon-toed cross-eyed bow-legged son of a gun
♪ from messing with me
♪ I been to known to rise up
♪ but I'll cool down later
♪ I'm a bad motor scooter
♪ I'm the Human Tornado
♪ He's a Human Tornado